That headline is the best part of this story. A console launched in a country successfully. The story is that I’m supposed to be surprised or scrutinize some aspect of this launch. I’m not going to do that. Let me give you the bullet points and then nothing but bullshit for 500 words so I can meet my quota.
- Xbox One launch marks first official console launch in 14 years.
- People lined up for it.
- The British say it the best though. “Microsoft pips Sony to launch Xbox in China” (Making it the only next-gen system currently available)
- It is almost twice as expensive. Roughly $600 US dollars.
And now sweet quota filling garbage.
Satan enjoys what he does. He enjoys it so much rarely sleeps. Hell is hot and you got to keep moving if you want to stay cool. Tales are told and books are written about the man’s day-job. In his off hours he likes to kick back with a devil dog and play a round of Call of Duty on his Playstation 4. That’s all he’s about right now, his Playstation 4. That… God damned Playstation 4. He personally oversaw the production lines of slave shops to produce his precious Playstation 4. The Devil lives his life everywhere, but he has stock in China it seems.
Today is a different day than it was a year ago. With much of the hype behind the Xbox One and Playstation 4 launch parties dead, there is not much to argue about. Playstation 4 and Xbox One owners alike either bicker over the same things or twiddle their thumbs hoping and waiting for a next-gen experience.
Satan picks up his copy of Ghosts and shakes his head, he looks at his copy of Destiny and snorts. With a sigh he looks at his copy of Diablo III, pauses, picks it up and crushes it.
“Their version of me is a pussy.” he grunts. A minion scurries away.
Suddenly, Satan sneezes. It goes by unnoticed at first. Satan calmly reaches for Destiny. He sneezes again. He glances at the thermostat. Everything seems right but something is wrong. There is a chill getting in. Satan jumps to his feet and immediately trips over his PS4 cable. He forgot he was charging his controller. But Satan was able to reset, tumble, roll up to his feet and exit the room.
“I have to go to the basement, down to the bowels of Hell and make sure them fires are a burnin’ hard!” he cries!
All the minions of Hell roar! Satan plummets deeper into the abyss no mortal can comprehend, until he reaches the source of heat for Hell. He is about to increase the size of the flame when… *POOF*… the everlasting flame ceases to burn. Everything ceases to move for a moment. The orange hues that previously illuminated the infinite expansions of Hell are now replaced with a tepid blue. A chill fills the air.
*RING RING* Satan’s cell phone. Motorola Razor v3. Refused to give that shit up. He flips it open.
“Hello?” his voice is hollow.
“Did you see the news?”
Satan’s phone beeps. Incoming text.
[GOD: Xbox One line-up right now in China. How many people does Japan have again?
Then, mysteriously the flame kickstarts back to life. A gentle flicker of orange shadows dance against the cavern walls. The Devil sighs and for the first time ever, sees his own breath.
“Xbox One launches successfully in China, damn.”
Looks like I’m over my 500. Later.
The Jaded Gamer.