Eating Crow: Xbox One Edition

Disclaimer: The PS4 is awesome. It is incredible. Whether or not it is the better system is not the damn debate here okay.  So take your fanboy goggles off and just relax and appreciate a competitive market in an amazing gaming space no matter which side of the stupid absolutely lame so-called “console war” you are on … You can’t hear it, but in the air quotes I’m doing the most smarmy mocking voice.

Disclaimer 2: Somebody told me to write an article styled how I speak… So… Here goes! Unh. Fuck Grammar for a sec. I’ll try to make sense and keep words like “I’ma” “mo’ betta” and “bae” to a non-existent level.

OK! So… Xbox One, a year later… Honestly? How can you be sure I’m being honest and not just a fanboy hyping a system? Well, I hate… I hate… I… hate… Peter Pan… and the time it takes to install games. Even when it is partially, the gaming experience is usually so bad you will think it is defective.  I wait until that bar is one hundred and then I grab a sandwich. Why? Because that is about the time it takes to wait for the patch I will inevitably have to download. My speed is decent, so a sandwich sounds right.  If you throw in a bathroom break I’ll be laughing.  I also hate that there is no way to swiftly capture a screenshot. Not hard. Long press one of those mystery buttons.  Get on it, guys.  Seriously… what’s with those two buttons?


I mean, I obviously don’t actually care enough to google it or do something as emasculating as say, reading a manual or something.  So lets just call them the “Future Screenshot” button and the .. I dunno “Paragraph Alignment” button? It doesn’t really matter. I also hate the video sharing capabilities and you’ll notice I completely gloss over them in the words that follow.

Why is it awesome?

XBOX SNAP! – Look, I’m not telling you to get the kinect version.  I have it incidentally but just saying “Xbox Snap Netflix” rules everything in the whole of all. Xbox Snap is my sunshine and distraction during install times, loading screens and this…

If you are unfamiliar with Xbox Snap, I will scour the internet for relevant images to please your eyeballs. So let me google that for you and…

BAM! So right on that side you select an app to snap to that portion of the screen.  I usually snap netflix or tv.  I have rampant A.D.D and my smartphone on stand-by to mute Netflix during cutscenes.  I don’t care if this is too much visual chaos for your cerebral cortex.  Plus, if I’m on Skype during a podcast, I’m actually playing a video game, just so you know. How? “Xbox Snap Skype”, That’s how, Martha Faulker.

“Xbox Record that”

I don’t even have to break rhythm with button pressing.  I just bark out a command and whatever I just did is logged into the league of awesome/fail for all eternity. Also, knowing that it records the last 15 minutes of whatever I’m doing is a bonus. You could edit the massive clip into something more bite sized later.

My glass has an IQ, apparently.

The smart glass app is the app we deserve.  All that excessive stuff, like your messages, your friend’s video uploads, the Xbox Store can be handled inside the app. That stuff is pretty par for the course.  What is impressive is that the app is… a remote.


No, not a remote for your controller, which is nice, I mean a full on remote control for your TV/Cable Box.

wpid-screenshot_2014-11-15-09-24-58.png  wpid-screenshot_2014-11-15-09-24-41.png wpid-screenshot_2014-11-15-09-25-17.pngwpid-screenshot_2014-12-02-23-40-24.png

 1 girl 5 Gays is on at 11:30… But I suppose I could watch Sons of Anarchy.  I have options.  And the Xbox One’s TV guide is a heck of a lot swifter than anything the cable box can spit out.

Next Gen is a Multiplatform Shitshow

Sure, the Playstation 4 has exclusives but most of the games I want to play are also available on the Xbox One which is why I really haven’t rushed to get one.  But then I think of the exclusives I would want ASAP like the next Tomb Raider and the 1080p redux of State of Decay.  These are things that are just… an Xbox One thing that I get to benefit from. The general point is simply that game after game after game after Watch Dogs after Destiny after Assassin’s Creed Unity after Farcry 4 after The Evil Within, I’m not playing anything unique to my console or even this generation of consoles at times.

Background noise ruining everything!

OK, this is where it gets back to reality somewhat.  Not often, but often enough to note it, if you have a Kinect, it is best to calibrate it with your TV at a moderately loud volume to combat against background noise messing everything up. If it isn’t Aron Paul messing everything up…

It is anything from random words said on television to random words isolated out of a conversation but there will be a record scratch moment at some point during your Xbox One ownership. The moment you’re in the middle of an intense fire fight and your buddy asks you “So what’s the next …uh… thing you need to do?” and Zip-Zop-Zoop, your console heard Xbox Bing and you’re off to Internet Explorer to look something up.  So it is not without some random flaw that you will see not-so-often.

Finally, priced within reason!

The $100 price drop is great. A central media hub, appropriately priced, plays 90% of the games I love and SmartGlassed its way into my heart.


The Jaded Gamer (@IamFN2K)



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