Apparently news of the next Assassin’s Creed has been leaked. It is set in 19th century London and… No… No I’m not doing this.
Kiss deez nuts, Ubisoft. You’re tripping on your own dick at this point. You’ve already announced about 23,324,498 Assassin’s Creed games already in 2014 but what’s one more right? Forget the bungled launch of Unity or the fact that for some reason (unbeknownst to me) most people prefer Assassin’s Creed Rogue despite it being a vanilla flavored Black Flag. Forget that most Assassin’s Creed fans probably have not played or finished the current entries in the series. Forget that you have free DLC on the way. Forget that there is also a 2D Side Scrolling Assassin’s Creed title on the way as well as one for your smartphone. WHO CARES! ON TO THE NEXT ONE!
Good god, Ubisoft. You’re like the drunk party girl who keeps inviting me to the next party while am still in the middle of the current one.
UBISOFT: “Hey! WOOOOOO! How’s it going?”
Jaded: “Awesome. I’m having so much fun. Thanks for inviting me.”
UBISOFT: “NAW! This party ain’t shit. We just killing time until the after partayyyyyyy! WOOOOOOOOO!”
Jaded: “Oh snap. Sounds sweet! Can’t wait.”
**1 hour later.
UBISOFT: “WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How do you like the after party?”
Jaded: “Even better than the party! Glad I stuck around.”
UBISOFT: “Well forget about this party. I’m taking you to the Post-After-Party. That shit is on a yacht!
**1 hour later
UBISOFT: “OH! WE ON A BOAT! I know you loving this!”
Jaded: “I am. It’s so beautiful but… I’m really getting tired. I kinda want to rest for a minute or maybe find a different themed party.”
UBISOFT: “Nuh uh. No you do not because the Post-After-Party-Pre-Next-Party party is about to start and you’re the guest of honor.”
So back to this theoretical “new” Assassin’s Creed game. Allegedly the subtitle will be Victory. Can I make a wild stab in the dark?
I’m going to be playing as a scruffy white male in his mid to late twenties/early thirties who either watched his family get murdered or was exiled. Either way, he (YES, HE) will have significant daddy issues that even Dr. Phil wouldn’t touch. The story will have nothing to do with Juno or the Precursor civilization but focus on locating or identifying another sage so you can locate or assassinate another sage for Assassin’s Creed 2016 which will give you the location of the modern day sage for Assassin’s Creed 2017 (which will have kamikaze assassins as well as mid-air dogfights) so you can find Juno’s whereabouts for Assassin’s Creed 2018 and take the war to her somewhere around 2020 on the PS5 and the Xbox Myriad or whatever the shit they want to call it.
Full disclosure: I’m buying this Assassin’s Creed Victory… day one. I expect the launch to be weak and the day one patch to be 200 GB. I don’t care. Assassin’s Creed is my drug and I’m addicted.
This is absolute gluttony and I need help.
Assassin’s Creed Forever! (Which is what Assassin’s Creed 2019 will be called)
The Jaded Gamer (@IamFN2K)