Duke is Puke.. and I love it

First of all I’m the only person you need to listen to about this game. Critics waited 12 years to shit on this game and that is just lame.

Big guns, swearing, babes and throwing freshly squeezed poo is the only way to describe Duke Nukem Forever.

If you’ve never encountered or heard of Duke Nukem 3D then stay clear of this game. If you prefer games with a good plot and modern graphics then skip this game.

If you are looking for nothing more than closure to a 12 year wait… Don’t even rent it just borrow it off  of somebody sad enough to own it… like me for example.

Are there boobies? Yeah. A little bit. One stage takes place within a small strip club in which you easily hunt down a vibrator, popcorn and a condom. (Note: The reviewer at 1up.com proclaims this level takes 20-30 minutes to complete. It takes only half of that so he was clearly masturbating, felt guilty and gave the game an F)

The bulk of the game takes place in and around Las Vegas as you journey from Duke’s penthouse to Hoover Dam. Same guns, same enemies and similar Duke catch phrases.  It’s basically a higher resolution version of Duke Nukem.  The gameplay conventions are instantly familiar to any Duke veteran.  You grab a gun, point and shoot and try not to die.  There are no health packs but your health/shield/Ego recharge when you stop taking damage. Unlike Duke3D you wont be able to pick up every single weapon you find but I found there was more than enough ammo in the debris.

So what makes this a bad game? The plot is barely even servicable and barely makes sense. It is literally as if everyone on earth remembers Duke’s exploits but the aliens developed a hardcore case of amniesia after 12 years and decided to duplicate their plans to achieve failure at the hands of Duke Nukem. Their plan remains the same.  Kidnap Earth’s babes and use them to birth aliens as they wreck the planet.  A lot of reviewers are put off by this premise because it involves the suggested rape and murder of dozens of women including Duke’s girlfriends. Even this is nothing new to the universe of Duke because you spent the entirety of Episode 2 of Duke Nukem 3D doing the same thing.

Where the game completely falls apart however is between the loading screens and the repetition. No matter where you are the game revolves around pointing and shooting without a clear route through levels.  You pretty much go from place to place going through the motions feeling less and less bad ass as you progress and more and more like a dolt.  Other characters offer less and less to the experience and seem more and more stupid the further you progress. Duke revels in his own absurdity but fails to be anything more than a divine comedy in that only the Gods could find humor in such a tragedy of a game with so much promise.

The loading screens ruined it for me.  I got stuck on the Octobrain boss in the closing stages of the game and no word of a lie I spent easily 5 to 10 minutes or more at the loading screen after premature deaths than I did fighting the boss. 10 seconds of gameplay 30 seconds of loading… 21 seconds of playing… 30 seconds of loading… and it goes on like this any time you find spicy hot instant death.

The laughable plot, the increasinly stale gameplay and the loading screens will easily eclipse any fun you will have with this game.  There are fun bits though which reviewers seem to mention but never take into account with the give the game a 0 so I wont do that.  This game doesnt exactly get a passing grade from me but with a little more polish I’d have given the game a slightly higher score.

RED: 5.5

HIGHS: Guns, babes, explosions, poo

LOWS: Not very funny – gets boring -LOADING

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